Garrett-will fix it

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[Garrett-will fix it @DaddyWithTwins]

Twas the night before thanksgiving, when all through the house all the children were stirring, and it pissed off my spouse.
Do something she cried, what you do I don’t even care, it’s been a long week, I still have gum in my hair.

(Cont.)

[Zaza Goblin @ZazaG0blin]

I miss getting kicked out of movie theaters for yelling "take your shirt off" when ever a new character came on the screen.

[🇨🇦 Dimps of the North @CallMe_Dimps]

Why does “you’re ugly” impact is more than “you’re dumb?”

[Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3]

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

[cella @cellapaz]

“once covid is over” is starting to sound a lot like “your dad just went out for cigarettes.”

[Ella Zee 🌈👑 @EllaZee5]

🎶should I stay or should I go now

- cats

[Special K @ServiceTech_]

When the NyQuil hits...

[Grandmaster Trash @BritttanyStasi1]

Me to dog: hey, I have a really important zoom call with our VP right now. Can you not bark directly into the speaker as soon as I take myself off mute this time?

Dog: lol ok

[Grandmaster Trash @BritttanyStasi1]

What’s your favorite cult and why is it the one I’m starting on Monday?

[Helleanor Rigby @Mom_Overboard]

Remember when men would just go out to some foggy field and have a duel to solve their problems that was great

[Garrett-will fix it @DaddyWithTwins]

@goofballbirkla Oof. New identity then.

[Jules @julesbrazz]

I’m sorry you started 2021 with a new target to troll instead of a goal

[The Fishpants @thefishpants]

Me: So the Battle of Bunker Hill was actually fought on Breed's Hill?

Revolutionary War Ghost: I don't care, I call it Bunker Hill

Me: Wow that's a weird...uh...

Ghost: A WEIRD WHAT

[JP 🍍 @JPLFR80]

Resolutions:
2001: fall in love
2011: love myself
2021: lose less pencils

[goof @capricorngoof]

Guys I hate to say it but we need to go back to 2020, I dropped my keys.

[One @spacewizard43]

happy new year to people logging on from internet explorer

[Daft Pun @AllanForsyth]

Let's all make 2021 the year we properly push back against the cheats and bullies on funny Twitter. Stop letting them ruin our community.

[wicked bitch of the MWest @AmandaRNH]

Cher 🎶 If i could turn back time...

(door busts open and I barge in)

Me: you stay the hell away from 2020!

Cher:

[Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa]

Thoughts and prayers for my kids who are upset that they didn't get their allowance this week, even though they didn't do anything to earn their allowance this week.