alyssaland

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity.

Here is my draft folder:

[alyssaland @dancingchimera]

Me: I'll just tuck this away so I don't lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

[Spin Spin Sugah @BlondAmbitionTO]

Is it "Dear mouth breathers" or "Dear mouthbreathers"? Want to get this staff email off on the right foot.

[alyssaland @dancingchimera]

@KiyNaia @SummerK17742538 @filloryqueenA @Birdhumms @sheann828 @Tori427 @24tog @dimplesticks @Still_SheSmiles @gingerbrigade1 Thank you, Kiy!

[floorboard @StruggleDisplay]

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

[Kellalena @topaz_kell]

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, the server was grating fresh Parmesan on my pasta.

[Adam @BrosefWtheMosef]

Feel. He’s so soft.

[Μαρια Κιτρινη @greek_heanen]

Oh, you're a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

[Barry BeNiceButNotSicklyNice @barryjohnharper]

Objects in my mirror are more strikingly handsome than they appear 😏

[SlothTurtle @SlothTurtle]

Tested positive for Wordle

[Basically Broken @SalorMoon_Shine]

I was told twitter had donuts?

[Emma Beasley🐝 @JustBeingEmma]

My mom's kitchen floor was so clean you could eat off it. You can eat off mine too. There's all kinds of stuff down there.

[Outback Phil @geowizzacist]

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

[Patches @mostly_cheese]

ME: can I borrow some cash?

FRIEND: money’s kinda tight

ME: yeah it is, money’s fucken dope, can I borrow some?

[Outback Phil @geowizzacist]

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

[∂ebraℓee @darksidedeb]

Maybe if I stand still long enough time will forget about me.

[Steven W Skinner @SkinnerSteven]

My wife got mud on a very expensive bag but it’s Hermès and she can clean it up

[McDad @mcdadstuff]

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

[MumInBits @MumInBits]

5: *sobs*
Me: what’s up sweetie
5: I’m so worried
Me: what about
5: what if one day *sniff* we wake up *sniff* and there’s no cake in the world *wails*
Me: *wails*

[floorboard @StruggleDisplay]

Why do girls named Samantha go by Sam when AntMan was right there all along

[alyssaland @dancingchimera]

Legit pulled a muscle in my butt tryna get off the couch. Send help.

[Laura @PourMeOne_more]

I really only keep my Costco membership for ibuprofen