FartMuffler 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈

I threw up in a public park trying to pick up my dog's shit.

[FartMuffler 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈 @WindPushedGrass]

My Grandma calls me 'baby bird' because my drunk ass mother puked on my bedroom floor when I was a toddler, and I guess I ate a bit.

[FartMuffler 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈 @WindPushedGrass]

I googled “unique and exciting ways to pass the time during a pandemic” and now it’s August and all my pets are dead.

[Nonchalant Charlotte @jellybnbonanza]

I’m looking for a Yoga routine designed for people who are about as flexible as crowbars.

[Jennifer Killa Dilla @HauntedJennifer]

I like to make my lack of sleep everybody’s problem.

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

Yesterday an account with 24 followers replied to a tweet in which I was trying to be funny with "OMG get some therapy." She was kind of right because I blocked her and, boy, was it therapeutic.

[🇨🇦SueCorvette🇨🇦 ❎ @suecorvette]

the worst thing about eggs is that they smell like eggs

[Rick Aaron @RickAaron]

On which portion of my resumè should I list my neck tattoos?

[Pasta Fazool @chrisdowning]

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

Alexa, show me a visual representation of 2020

[*sigh*clops @aotakeo]

[first day as a fireman]

old lady: please help! my cat is stuck in a tree

me: is-is it on fire?

[❤️‍🔥Sardonic Tart❤️‍🔥 @SardonicTart]

*Doing anything*

"I hate this"

[JP 🍍 @JPLFR80]

Think of all the free time you'll have if you go from spelling doughnut to donuts

[m@thew @TweetPotato314]

me: never have i ever been lied to by my wife so badly that i watched her give birth to another guy’s kid in a barn

joseph: i will take this drink because i respect the rules of the game but i do not care for it

[Baron Von Douche @robwalton30]

Realized I may be an aggressive driver upon hearing my 4yo nephew yell “pick a lane asshole” from his little car-shaped grocery cart.

[FartMuffler 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈 @WindPushedGrass]

@HauntedJennifer Can I take one to go?

[Jennifer Killa Dilla @HauntedJennifer]

Anyone want to come over for a nice Molotov cocktail?

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Mechanic: Your cabin air filter needs to be replaced for $40. The air inside the car is probably unhealthy.

Wife: No thanks. My husband usually drives this.

[❤️Hush Jared🤙 @HushJared]

Undertakers meet the coolest people

[Greg One Leg @Greg_1_Leg]

It’s easy to feel invisible when you’re looking down at the ground.

Look up once in awhile. You’ll see you’re not alone.

[LaLaLyds @LaLa_Lyds]

Stoners love talking to each other about getting stoned