Jeremy Hoch

Don't steal my green shoes

[Jeremy Hoch @jejehoch]

Fun prank: run into a changing room, then stick your head between the curtains and ask why there's no toilet paper.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

[in the van]

3-year-old: Where are we going?

Me: A restaurant.

3: Are you going?

Me: I'm driving.

3: I guess you can come.

[Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective]

ARIANA GRANDE: I've been here all night,
I've been here all day,
And boy...got me walkin' side to side

CRAB: nice, nice

[schmox @IvoryGazelle]

Do you ever look up at the night sky, see the flash of a shooting star and wonder if Milwaukee's Best truly is the best that city's got?

[G 🍟 @Reel2Dialog2]

No one is holding on to a fleeting dream more than a mostly bald guy sporting a ponytail.

[MichaelTrying @MichaelTrying]

The saddest movies are the ones where the awesome weird girl turns normal and everyone is bizarrely happy about it.

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

Who would have thought that banjo kid in "Deliverance" would grow up to be the Attorney General of the United States of America?

[Lord James Alvarez @ObscureGent]

Nothing like the look of disappointment on someone's face when they realize I'm sitting next to them on a plane.

[Papazilla667! @Scottzilla667]

[Pulled over]
Me: *quickly hangs Do Not Disturb sign on door handle*
Cop: Oh, sorry, Sir, I'll come back later.

[dire wolf @ADDiane]

Every disaster movie starts with the president ignoring a scientist.

[Noodles @Dawn_M_]

Please don't waste time with small talk, just tell me you like my sword.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

*pushes puzzle piece down really hard and holds it there so everyone sees that I got one*

[Just J @junejuly12]

Working at McDonald's at 16 taught me I didn't want to work at McDonald's at 17.

[dick snickers @smithsara79]

"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?"
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

Why are they called "hotdogs" when you eat them cold, straight from the package after Kira leaves you?

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

ME: Don't you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: ...Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn't ya

[huntigula @huntigula]

Your resume just says "falconer"
"And?"
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
"Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job"

[Spazio🇵🇸 @Spaziotwat]

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don't